from now on my penis is your penis
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
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I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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