he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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