Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
