My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
