Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
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i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
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You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap