dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
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Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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