i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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