4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
