I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
