you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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