I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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