also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
where am i from again
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
