You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
They have beer where we have blood.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
