got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
