I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
