Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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