Your mouth is God's brothel.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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