i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
should my penis look like a turkey
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
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I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
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I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize