im six kinds of drunk right now
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
