Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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