I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
