i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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