none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
