Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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