I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
