Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
