my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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