I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
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mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.