i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?