maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
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I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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