i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize