Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.