you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
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After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
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I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died