I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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