I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
