today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
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I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
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She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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