apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
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Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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