So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
