Who wears a wallet chain?!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter