Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.