new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My penis needs a shock collar
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
