your parents love me but you hate me
I'm so fucking centered right now
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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