Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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