So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
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Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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