Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
