Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
