when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
