Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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