Don't make out with my wife yet
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Randomize
