woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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