the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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