if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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