I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
